He used me for sex for 2 years, and I let him. He’d kicked me to the curb again in March for talking to another guy, which seemed silly to me since he was very emphatic about not dating me. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. It was another two weeks before I got up the nerve to tell him at the urging of his best friend (who was swiftly becoming my best friend too).
He cried and apologized and offered to help me out in any way he could. Obviously, we both agreed, I couldn’t keep it and he promised to pay for the abortion. After that, not much was said and no money was offered. I saved my minimum wage salary until I finally had to ask him for the last $50. He promised to give me the rest once he “got caught up”. He promised to go with me, but one Wednesday morning in April, I made the drive alone to a clinic 200 miles away. I was given a pill and two days later aborted in my bathroom, again alone.
He called me that evening and asked if it was done. I told him yes and over the next few days, he smoothly wormed his way back into my bed. A junkie from way back, he also wormed his way into the bottle of painkillers the doctor had given me and went through them in a matter of days. And of course, when we split a year later, he flat-out refused to give me the money he still owed me because I had put a tiny scratch in his truck while moving from my apartment to a house (a move he refused to help me with).
I am now happily living with the one man who stuck by me through all of this: his best friend. It was, of course, a difficult situation at first (he decided he loved me the day I told him we were through), but we’ve come to peace (strained peace, but peace nonetheless) with each other. After 3 years, the bitterness has lifted and I’ve forgiven him. But I cannot forgive myself.
I still have the empty bottle of pain killers. It is, in a way, a reminder of the baby I gave up… a decision I do not regret, but mourn just the same. I regret that I allowed myself to be put in that position and think about my child every Christmas, when I would’ve been due. Call me callous, but at the same time I feel relief that I terminated what would have been a very permanent tie to the father.
Mainly, I keep it to remind myself of what I was: a pathetic creature with string for a backbone. Yes, he treated me horribly, BUT I ALLOWED IT. I can almost forgive myself for the abortion, but I cannot forgive myself for spending another year (even another minute) with him. In fact, I should have left him long before I ever got pregnant. That I didn’t is a testiment to my stupidity and my lack of self-worth.
I wish I could go back in time and slap the young, foolish girl I was across the face…and then take her in my arms and tell her she’s worth so much more than she gives herself credit for.
Tags: abortion, friend, junkie, painkillers, promised, worth
I just lost my “little man” (as my husband and I named him 8 year ago) this morning. I hadn’t seem him in a few days and found him under my bed, barely breathing and lifeless. I immediately took him to the vet, but it was too late. They said it was probably liver failure, due to the yellowing in his mouth. I feel so guilty for not looking for him sooner, but he was always a loner cat, spending most of his time lounging on my daughter’s bed upstairs. He always kept to himself so I wasn’t immediately concerned when I didn’t see him for a few days. Could I have saved him if I found him earlier? This is a question I must deal with for the rest of my life.
Tags: cat, little, man, vet
I never was a “cat person” – I grew up with dogs and always proclaimed “I hate cats!” but then I met Max. Maximillian was with us from about 12 weeks old until this Monday. He was born with a heart murmur and I always worried about it, but the vets didn’t seem concerned. About a month or so ago, he was breathing funny. We didn’t think too much about it, we have a new baby and poor Max took the back burner for the past year. This past week, he stopped eating. This weekend, his breathing became extremely labored, and he became very lethargic. I slept in the spare bed with him Saturday nite and he purred and purred even through his difficult breaths. Sunday he could hardly bring himself to move. He hid in the laundry room, I brought him out to his favorite chair. Minutes later, he was in the laundry again, and again. He was looking for a place to die. Monday morning, I called the vet after checking his gums and seeing them grey, and was told to take him to the emergency clinic. Upon intake, he was taken in and put on oxygen and catheterized. An hour later, the doctor gave me the news that my friend of seven years waqs in advanced stages of congestive heart failure and top prognosis was 1 year even with intense care. I called my wife who was out of town on business, and decided it would be best to end his suffering. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I asked for some time alone with him but he had progressed so rapidly they could not take him off oxygen. The doctor took me into the operating room, and I held my cat and stared into his eyes, told him I loved him and how sorry I was, and watched as his life faded away and bloody fluid poured out of his mouth. What I saw in his eyes before he fell unconscious was indescribable. I am by no means a religious man, but I believe I saw God. He told me I made the right choice, but then why does it hurt so bad? I have a huge hole in my heart and I dont know what to do. My home is so empty, and my one year old understands and looks for him too. I will have his ashes in a few weeks, but nothing in this world will ever make me forget.
Max, I love you,
I am sorry for being mean to you-
I miss you so much,
You’ll always be my friend.
Rest in peace, little buddy.
Max succumbed to congestive heart failure Monday morning, November the 17th, 2008. He was just seven years old. He died in my hands with fluid pouring from his lungs. My heart is torn apart, my home is quiet, and my thoughts are consumed with guilt.
I will never forget u Maxer…